Relationships: The 5 Love Languages

Communication styles can be very diverse between people so when it comes to your relationship with your partner, it’s critical to understand his/her love language. You may be perfectly compatible with one another, but your love language can be completely opposite from your partner’s. You will strengthen your relationship significantly, avoid conflict, and enjoy your relationship so much more once you learn to speak each other’s language…fluently. Below, we will translate communication patterns between couples using the 5 love languages.

Quality Time

This love language is often expressed when partner’s give undivided attention to and spend time with one another. For some people, quality time is primary when it comes to connecting with their partner and both giving and receiving love. If your partner often mentions wanting more quality time with you, this likely means that for them, a lack of this special time together could leave them feeling neglected or like you don’t consider them a priority. Quality time is especially important when trying to build connection to each other. It is recommended that if using this love language that distractions be placed to the side (cell phones silenced, no scrolling on Instagram) and an emphasis is placed on eye contact, tuning into your partner as they share or speak and provide body language cues to them to really highlight you are hearing them.

Physical Touch

When it comes to physical touch, people typically fall into one of three categories: Very touchy-feely, Somewhat touchy-feely, and Not touchy-feely at all. This can sometimes be a source of conflict between couples if both partners fall on opposite sides of the spectrum, but it’s certainly not a situation that communication can’t solve! Some people may need physical affection rather often while others are okay with it occurring once in a while. It’s important to evaluate where you and your partner fall when it comes to your level of need when it comes to physical touch. Some may rely on physical touch as a type of nonverbal communication of love and connection while others may need to speak and hear their partners feelings verbally. Others may feel rejected if they seek physical touch from their partner or initiate it and aren’t reciprocated. Basically, physical touch (or lack of) can hold numerous messages and meanings between couples. Discover the way you and your partner speak this love language and you will likely uncover an important source of communication and mutual understanding.

Acts of Service

Many people rely on acts of service to communicate many different messages and intentions to their partner. Feelings such as appreciation, gratitude, or remorse are a few examples that may seem like less obvious meanings that underlie an act of service. Sometimes, a lack of acts of service can be interpreted by the expecting partner as a similar lack of love, caring, or interest in making the other partner happy. This could be done by picking up something from the grocery store for your partner, running an errand, or helping them with their to-do list. Acts of service invites you to join your partner in their day-to-day and really be with them and their process. Compromise is important when it comes to ensuring that both partners are giving acts of service some priority in the relationship, but keep in mind that when it comes to the love languages, everyone has areas of both strength and weakness. While acts of service may not be a strength for your partner, it’s likely that he/she has a significant strength in one or more of the other love languages.

Giving & Receiving Gifts

Most people like to give gifts and receive them especially when it’s with the one you love, but there are some people who may struggle a bit with this love language. Although you might think that everyone loves to give and/or receive a gift, among some couples, gifts can be a source of stress and conflict. Some partners may feel badly about this and as a result, may reject the gift. Others refrain from giving gifts due to becoming overwhelmed with what to buy or simply being at a loss when trying to decide on what kind of gift would make their partner smile. It is the avoidance of potentially disappointing their partner that could cause some people to avoid giving gifts altogether. So rather than interpreting issues with gift giving as your partner’s lack of caring, consider whether your partner may feel stressed, pressured, or confused when it comes to the topic of gifts! If your partner’s love language is within this category, sentimental and thoughtful gifts such as a treasured photo of the two of you, a keepsake from a vacation or date you had (think movie stub in a shadow box) can bring about those warm feelings of connection. For many, it truly is the thought that counts.

Words of Affirmation

Some people have a natural knack for words and know what to say and when to say it in order to express their feelings to their partner. Then there are those who struggle with this love language and tend to need more guidance and practice. Words can be very powerful and influential, particularly in a relationship. Saying the wrong thing at the wrong time can cause much stress and conflict between couples. However, since words are a major source of communication, this love language is likely the easiest one successfully interpret when it comes to your partner’s way of using it. Some less well-versed people may mean to say one thing, but what comes out of their mouth can be entirely different than what was originally intended. When it comes to words exchanged between you and your partner that are not-so-affirming, a good rule of thumb is to agree that neither of you will take words at face value when upset or having conflict. Words can be blurted out in anger, which is why it’s important to address what was exchanged later on when you’re both calm and ready to communicate. Complimenting in relationships is far more effective than nagging. If you are able to shift focus from what is not being done to being appreciative of what is being done, the motivation to reciprocate is greater. Again like learning any language, this is a practice; the more you use it, the better you become at it.

Aside from the importance of knowing your partner’s unique love language for the sake of better communication, it’s also equally important, and often underestimated, to know that your partner may show his/her love and affection towards you in ways that they want to convey but that you may not receive as loving and affectionate. The idea is to focus on what you and your partner are trying to share with one another and to try and learn how to show your partner that you care in a way that they will receive.